So, Luke and I went to a Kenny Chesney concert last weekend and as expected, there were all kinds of people that came out of the woods, trailor parks, and 1.4 million dollar homes, apparently...but I'll get to that later. I am always amazed, and really pretty overwhelmed in big crowds like that. I usually find that I can barely watch what I went to see for watching all the people that creep out to these events. There were what looked like 13-year-old girls with their butt cheeks peeking out of their shorts, as well as 55-year-olds with their butt cheeks, more falling than anything else, out of their shorts. Some of which I thought if the wind blew much harder, their cheeks would surely flap so hard in the wind, that they may indeed mistake it for an actual slap on the ass from Billy Bob, sitting next to them, and take it as a compliment. As the crowd started making their way to their seats, I really hoped that we wouldn't have weirdos sitting next to us for the whole concert! Well, you can't always get what you want, right? There were so many freaks around us...but just to name a few:
Betty Sue and Elvira- These two ladies were behind us and up a little, but they were there to partayyy. Clearly, they hadn't been out of the house since the 1980s. How do I know? Their hair, their make up, their clothes, their dancing, and their embarrassing desire to show all the hot men how hot they were. Only one problem, its 2011 and they are not 20 anymore. Nobody that has been out of the house within the last few decades would have acted like they had just been let out of a basement closet somewhere. They were the first to get up and start dancing like maniacs and giving the guys bedroom eyes, although it was a little hard to see through the blue eyeshadow and giant frizzy black permed hair. They did get the attention of a man though, and I'm pretty sure he had just left the Hooters tent and instead of wings, he had swallowed a whole hooters girl.
Tweedle-dee and Tweedle dumb- Next, these two women, probably mid to late 30s, sat down next to Luke. The redhead was having the time of her life flipping her hair around and taking pictures of all the boys half her age that were topless. Her friend was a little bit of a chubster and didn't seem to want the attention. The redhead asks Luke to take a picture and then tells him that "we have to get up and party with her!" Then she leans over and grabs Luke's chest and looks at me and says, "Oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to grab your...his chest....I'm so drunk..." Ok, not that big of a deal. The redhead then scooted by us bouncing with every step towards a younger man, while her friend scuttled behind her with her head down.
The Baptists- The Baptists were dressed like they were going to church in the deep south instead of a concert, which would be fine I guess, if they wouldn't have looked like it was so painful to actually be at the concert. They wouldn't move and really, I thought they must've fallen asleep for most of the show. I still can't figure out why they were there. The wife especially. She was clearly offended that they weren't singing hymns.
The very best, errr, worst of the night was right dead in front of us.
The Cougar and the Cupcake- With a daiquiri in hand and daughter in tow, the Cougar makes her way and sits down right in front of Luke. Complete with a bleach blonde pixie (with a giant pink flower growing out of the side of her head), a black dress, and flowered cowboy boots, she slowly updates her facebook status on her iphone (with her daughter's help) and slurped away at her drink. It was her daughter's 16th birthday and she was in a precious little yellow, frilly number with her boots and her crying mother by her side. The cougar told us all it was her daughter's birthday and she was a disaster. She was soooo sad that she had a 16-year-old. I saw that Ms. Cougar wasn't wearing a wedding ring and made the assumption (her need for attention and man-gawking helped with this) that she was fresh out of a divorce and living off a pretty penny from her rich ex-husband. Meanwhile, Cougar tries to pour Cupcake some of her daiquiri into a cup so that she can partake in the fun. She's 16 right!? That's old enough to drink with your cougar mom. This story continues a little later....
Bangs and her man- In front of me sat the weirdest of the weird. This poor woman, Lord help her, I don't know what in the hell happened to her hair, but good gawd it was awful! Picture bangs that start 3-4 inches from the hairline on the forehead...then taken and with the world's smallest curling iron, rolled until they looked like a hotdog. It was just one roll of sausage-hair. I can only hope it was an accident because she looked like she may have been a cast member in
The Hills Have Eyes. Her bangs literally started at the back of her head, and the rest of her hair (what wasn't rolled on her forehead) was in a little loop in a scrunchie on the back of her head. Okay...then, her husband comes up and is just all over her. He is decent-looking and clearly in the military by his proudly-worn buzz cut. They have another couple with them, who is, for an intents and purposes, normal looking. I hear Bangs' man lean over and tell her in her ear, "Don't you even worry about it. Don't let it bother you. You are the most beautiful woman here, don't you worry about all these other women. And you know why? Because you don't even have to try." I'm sorry, what?? What do you meeeeean, she doesn't have to try. *sigh* Did he not see the sausage dog laying on her head? Anyway, Bangs and her female friend start dancing and having a grand time. Bangs' man disappears for like an hour and comes back hammertimed. She sent him to get her a drink and kept looking around for him while he was gone. I am pretty sure he met some girls and was having a grand ole time minus Bangs and her sausage dog. He came back and told her the line was long or something and they continued their PDAs. Luke decided he had either just got caught cheating on her or just got home from a deployment.
Bang's man and The Cougar- I went to the bathroom, came back and Luke told me that the cougar told him "Don't get married, its not worth it." What a bitter bitch whore! Please go back to your mid-life disaster and your 1.4 million dollar mansion (which she told Luke she had just moved out of and didn't ask for it or money with the divorce...that's probably because she was having too much fun with her daughter's boyfriend and got caught!!! Pure speculation.) Anyway, by this time Kenny Chesney is onstage and everyone is standing up and dancing. Bangs' husband is kissing her and hugging her and may have well been humping her jeans and Cougar and Cupcake and dancing and smiling and laughing...then...Bangs' man reaches over and grabs Cougar's ass. Cougar looks over at him a little startled, then smiled and moved closer so he could have better access. WTF is going on? Luke and I can hardly watch the concert because we have some Jerry Springer shit going on right in front of us. Suddenly, Cupcake gets pulled into the middle of this sandwich between Bangs and her "semi-normal" friend. Cupcake is getting bounced around between these two women and I dunno, something about it just felt really, really strange. Meanwhile, Bangs' husband is kissing her while groping the Cougar, ahem, in the back and the front. After she got released from the estrogen sandwich, poor little Cupcake's little ruffles are just blowing in the wind while she dances with Mommy, and she has no clue that Mommy is letting Bangs' husband fondle her the entire time! It was appalling! And hilarious! The Cougar loved every minute of it. Hopefully Cupcake won't grow up to be like Mommy, but I kind of doubt it since Cougar was pointing out shirtless guys for Cupcake to see.
By the end of the night, Bangs was crying because her man went from telling her how beautiful she was to cussing her out over a set of car keys. He couldn't stand up anymore at that point. Elvira and Betty Sue left with Billy Bob (I'm pretty sure they fed him chicken wings all night long). The Cougar was crying again because Bang's man stopped grabbing her ass--or because Cupcake was 16, or because she had to move out of her mansion.
Class, class, class!
