I sing to my fish

Today I was talking to a friend, who like me, is living away from her family and friends. We talk often about our struggles with finding a "home" where in fact, a home isn't. We both realize we should be able to feel comfort and contentment since we are with the person that we love and both have talked about our guilt for not being the best at adjusting to new places. And we also tend to talk about the end of the world and how we are at a weird place in our lives. On Fridays, we both make up award ribbons for our significant others for dealing with us. Okay, not really, but maybe its something I'll ponder when I finish pondering 3,243 other things.

Come on give me a break. I have two very demanding dogs, one fish that won't eat his food unless I'm singing to him, borderline hypochondria (says some...I vehemently deny this), germophobia, fears galore---including natural disasters, life after death, and choking my husband on the dry chicken breast I gave him for dinner---On top of these, I try really hard to be semi-normal for at least 3 days a week in the presence of my husband. You try living in my world and see if you don't sit in the corner drooling.

Anyway, the point of this blog is because my conversation with my friend today included worrying. She was worrying about what the future will bring. I worry about everything too, maybe that's why we are friends? No, I'm friends with her because she is pretty. Just kidding! Lawdamercy, calm down.

I worry about whether the world will ever have peace. I worry about the fate of animals and children in sad situations.  I worry about if Louie the First (our fish) has a big enough bowl or is happy swimming alone in his bowl all day. I worry big and small. I also am worried at this particular moment because Husband thinks that the Krispy Cream doughnuts that we bought on Saturday are no longer good. There are two left and he wants to throw them away. So today, I am worried that he will beat me home and chunk the little pieces of bliss before I can get home to save them. See? It's a jungle in here. (meaning my mind.)

I've gotten off topic again. Geez. The point is!!!...**now I'm stopped to remember what the point really was**...Okay, so about worrying: Worrying is not something I feel that I will be able to ever stop. As I'm sure many of you have finished this thought for me and added the thought that I should probably be committed to a room with cushioned white walls for the remainder of my days which is valid. But, shockingly enough, I don't worry about the future of my life and where its going. I think about it. But I can't say that I dwell on it much. I know my husband is shaking his head as he reads this because he is quite the little future-planner. Which can account for why he had to teach me what an IRA was and how I should have a lot more money in my non-existent one at this point in my life. IRA? or IRS? Crap.

Anyway. Pretend we are in a jungle (which = life in this example, not my mind as refered to in the example above). I tend to float about through the trees kind of like one of those fluffy little white things that float through the air and go where the wind blows them, bouncing about and saying "Wheeeeeee" and only stopping to enjoy a quick nap on a glorious tree limb with my koala friend. While Husband brings an army, a backhoe, an oil drill, night-vision goggles, an architect, a 7 year supply of food and water, and a Chuck Norris pocket knife with him. So as you can see, there is a slight bit of a difference here.

I have gotten to where I am in life not because I planned it out to the minute, and truthfully, I am quite lucky to be where I am especially with my dreamer mentality. During my conversation with my friend, I was telling her that I used to question that saying "What's meant to happen, will happen." I mean, it sort of makes you want to karate-chop it most of the time doesn't it? Especially when you're sitting on the side of the road with a flat tire...in the pouring rain...when you should be at an interview....for a job that you need...to buy bread. BUT, I *think* that I believe the saying. I don't know what my life holds for me. I don't know where its going and where it will lead and what I'll have to go through to find out. And right now, it really doesn't necessarily make sense to me and I ask myself a lot what I should be doing and what the point of all this is. But, a little tiny voice in the back of my head tells me someday it will. Someday I'll know. Now whether or not that voice is one of my undiagnosed split personalities, I do not know. Its probably another thing I should ponder though.

If you find yourself in a situation or a part of life that is totally confusing and you wonder why you even came through the birth canal...know that you aren't alone. At least two other people on the planet feel the same way as you! (me and the other person that whispers to me...just kidding!! don't call the mental health authorities!)

I am a firm believer that your plans for life are just that...plans. Just because you plan every step out doesn't mean that's what will actually happen. I think God has a plan (or Mother Nature..or the Universe...or Buddha..I mean, I can't go on forever people, just insert your higher power here and don't be offended). My Grandma would drop her cinnamon bun and do a flip in her recliner if she knew I included all those names. :-/ This blog has an open-mind, Grandma!!

Finishing up, I look back at my life the last ten years; a life that I am often criticized for and poked fun of a little, mainly for taking forever to finish college, hiding under beds when there was a decision to be made, avoiding choosing a career, eating Cheetos for lunch, and not planning for my future. Sounds bad, I guess. I stayed in relationships longer than I should have and went out at night when I should have stayed home and read books like "How To Be An Adult 101...for Dummies...I'm looking at YOU, Jenny" I know I didn't plan, but even with my floating through my twenties, I am exactly where I probably should be even if I don't understand it.

 (Not saying I wouldn't love to be a famous writer already husband-who-is-appalled-at-my-IRA-account-balance! Err, uhh hmm, love you. See you when I get home. What would you like for dinner? Perhaps some extra dry chicken?)

But if I would have changed one little thing about my past, I wouldn't be who I am now. I wouldn't have grown into the person I am. So I try to keep that in mind these days, as I sit, staring at doorknobs in my house and worrying about the fact that they don't match the towel rods in the bathroom, wondering what the point of all this is. I know life is taking me somewhere. And I know I'll figure it out when I get there.

Now, I hope you feel better about your life. That's my good deed for the day. Carry on.

Coronado Murders...eek!

So, in case you haven't heard on the news, there were four people killed in an apparent murder-suicide just a couple of hours into the new year. You can read one of the articles about it here.

It is so sad, and so, so mysterious. What could have happened? Why would a Navy guy in pilot training go out downtown with his roommate and his roommate's sister (and another guy) to ring in 2012, then come home and kill everyone, then himself? I am dying to know why.

Why do I care you wonder? Oh, just because it happened two blocks from my house! I mean, that's not the only reason, but it is what everyone in this little town is talking about right now.

Coronado is like Mayberry, but beachy and with mansions. And with a whopping one murder on the books from the entire last year, four in one night has everyone frazzled.

We walked to the beach the day it happened and there was yellow crime scene tape and media trucks galore. Very surreal.

So anyway, I'm freaked out now and on top of the murders there has been this crazy creepy fog that keeps engulfing the island every night. It looks like a death cloud coming from the ocean and it slowly moves inland and as it does, it takes everything out of sight. It is the thickest fog I've ever seen and it gives me shivers. Taking the dogs out for their nightly walk has become dreadful. Like some scene out of a horror movie, you can hear things/voices near you, but can see nothing. Ugh! The husband thinks I am crazy (as usual). When I come back inside at night, I'm all weirded out and saying how creepy it is and his response is..."It's fog, Jenny." As if you can't look out our window and see all the makings of a zombie movie or psycho killer flick. Umm hello, 4 people just got murdered on our sleepy little sweet Mayberry island!....IN the fog I might add! You do the math!

View of the zombie death fog from our balcony

Now I'm in the market for a gun. That's right. I'm going to be ready when the zombies come out of the fog or when the serial killer hits this turns-out-not-so-sweet-Mayberry-wannabe-town.

Since the first time I came here, it felt like the town was a little too perfect. I still love living here, but I can't help but wonder what other "uglies" are not visible. As if I needed anything to flood my already insane/unrealistic/neurotic imagination.

To any literary people who like to make non-existant comparisons and analyze literature and find common themes and other extremely useful things that I, as an English major was taught to do...here is my comparison to this town:

"Beneath it is all dark, it is all spreading,

it is unfathomably deep;

but now and again we rise to the surface

and that is what you see us by." -Virginia Woolf

Home Sweet Coronado-Dog Beach

It has been quite the little minute since I have blogged. Oops. Oh well, that's the beauty of blogging...you do what you want, when you want to do it (which happens to be a personality flaw of mine as well, hmmm...ehh, that's for another blog).

After spending July through the end of October in North Carolina waiting for Luke to serve the remainder of his sentence in Asian hell, we have finally settled into our new home. To say its amazing here doesn't do it justice, but I'll say it anyway. If you've been reading my previous entries, you know that when I say I really, really like it here then that means something...because, I don't use the term "really, really like" lightly. But seriously, I love it.

I plan (haha) to have lots more posts soon!

We took Zeus and Fritz to "Dog Beach" last weekend. Fritz needs a little socialization and Zeus just needs some fun and this little strand of beach was perfect for both....except Zeus is a nervous wreck at times. He clearly thinks the ocean is going to eat him!

The boys playing at the beach!

Zeus wants Luke to get out of the water. Can you tell?

Fritz did well; he played nice with all the dogs (possibly because he was getting green beans as treats for being nice!)

And Zeus needs a few more times in the water so that he can stop having panic attacks when he (or Luke) gets in the water. I wonder where he gets his nervous personality from?

In case you were wondering, yes, we are in shorts in December here. Hehe.

"You is smart."

"One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else".

I found this on a blog today, actually because Ashton Kutcher referenced it on his twitter (yes, there is your window on how interesting my life is right about now [insert long sigh]).

Anyway, I love it because for me, its so true. I am not like anyone else. No, really. I mean, I'm really not like most other people. I look like everyone else and I act like everyone else, but deep down, when you really get to know me, I'm a strange cookie. Just ask Luke :-/  I like that I'm not blindly fitting into a mold that everyone else has made for themselves, but if I'm being honest, it can get a little lonely actually. And pretty confusing sometimes. It can certainly lead to self-doubt as you question why you aren't happy doing the things that other people seem to be so happy doing that you swear you actually see a ray of sunshine streaming from their ass.

Sometimes I find myself (or other people in my life) trying to make my life, my interests, my aspirations match the people that one would claim to be "normal" or "successful". And when I do this, I generally end up feeling like a fish trying to drive a car or something.

Anyway, I have to thank my mama for always making me feel like my weirdness makes me special and that its okay to not take the same path in life as everyone thinks you should.

"You is kind. You is smart. You is important."--The Help

Loveee that movie! This reminds me of my childhood. Mainly because I was so tender-hearted that everyday my mama would have to give me a little pep talk because someone at school hurt my feelings. My, my, how things have changed. 

And more recently I have to thank my husband for holding my hand (and sometimes kicking me in the ass) so that I don't get lost in my head where dogs rule the world and colorful things are all it takes to make me happy.



Hence....

my new bag.

Tee hee :)

We all have our own streaks of weird and our own way of doing things, but I have to remind myself often that just because its the right way for one person, doesn't mean its the right way for me. And I've found that when I find people that comprehend this concept and that understand the fact that everyone doesn't have to wear the same "happy face", it makes me cherish them even more.

Happy 2011!!

It's now 2011, and since 2010 was such as amazing year for me, I want my first blog to highlight some of the things from the previous year. I spent NYE 2010 with my best friend, Michele and her boyfriend, my boyfriend Luke, and my boyfriend's brother Kyle and his girlfriend in Atlanta. It was great fun and I felt that I couldn't have celebrated the eve of a new year with better people.

Night before NYE

Little did I know, in two weeks time, right as I started my last semester of college, my boyfriend that I loved and adored more than anything in the world would break up with me and I would be devastated beyond belief (don't hate him yet!). Two weeks after the boyfriend broke my heart, he came crawling back. Haha, and yes, I actually envision him crawling to my doorstep and even though that may not have actually happened, my pride says it did.

St. Patty's Day in Savannah

Graduation!

In May, Luke took me to celebrate my graduation and birthday in Mexico! It was the best vacation ever, and I loved every minute of it with him. Besides being my first time out of the country (if Mexico counts), Luke took me snorkeling for the first time and I loved it! This was surprising being that I will not step two feet into the ocean without running, in full panic back to shore. But, it was super clear water, and I was entranced with the beauty under the water. The fish and their colors were simply amazing! We followed a sea turtle swimming for a bit, which I adored! Don't get me wrong, I kept looking across the way under the water to such a distance that it became murky, and envisioning a shark coming to eat me, but thankfully this didn't happen.We also went sea kayaking-ummm, no thanks. I kept feeling like we were stranded at sea in that little kayak! Anyway, great scenery, great experiences, and all with my best friend and love!

Mexico

In late June, Luke found out he was moving to South Korea for his next assignment...which was my worst nightmare. Ughhh! It was a scary concept to me, but we decided that I would look for a job teaching English here, and if I found one, then I would come with him. So, in August I got hired at Sogang Language Program and began preparing for my first move out of the country.

On Thursday, October 28th, Luke asked me to be his wife!! I was beyond ecstatic and beyond shocked! It was the last thing I expected at the time and he did an amazing job planning the evening and keeping it all a secret from me! It was a day that I had thought about and wished for since I fell in love with him, and it was happening!! I was on cloud 9 and still am at this moment when I think about him being my HUSBAND! Ahhh :)

On November 8th, after a very long and painful period of preparation and paperwork and boxes and movers, we all (me, Luke, Zeus, and Fritz) boarded the plane to come to Korea...

In the car, on the way to Atlanta to board the plane!

 Preparing for landing in Korea!

Home Sweet Home for a year...

2010 was a year full of ups and downs, gaining and losing friendships, losing a love and getting it back again, seeing new things and realizing I no longer wanted to see some old things, moving on and moving up, crying and laughing, lots of reality and lots of dreaming, and some things living and some things dying. Some friendships were tested this year, which maybe happens often among friends or maybe it doesn't. I don't know. But some stood and some fell. I am content knowing that the ones that mattered, stood, and always will stand. I take the good with the bad in life because I know that there are many storms, and behind the storms, there will always be the sun.