Unfortunately, it is one of those days where I really can't think of much nice to say--shocked, I'm sure. So in order to purge evil thoughts from my mind, I thought I would write a blog.
#1. Nobody, let me repeat that, nobody thinks your kid is as cute as you do. Not me. Not your cousin. Not your neighbor. Nobody. I'm really sorry if this is breaking news to anyone, but it shouldn't be. When bringing your child out into public, perhaps you should keep that in mind. The booger he/she is walking around holding on his/her pointer finger is simply not adorable, and neither is the fact that he just ate it. I would like nothing more than to smack you out of the twilight zone. And have done it over and over in my mind, don't worry.
#2. Perhaps, when a child passes the age of say, hmm, let's just use 18 for fun--yes, when your kid reaches 18, would you kindly remove your breast from his mouth, therefore hopefully allowing some balls to drop? A whiny grown ass adult is so unattractive. I'd rather stare down the face of a fiery, drooling dragon than hear another grown child complain about their poor, pitiful feelings and "all da awpul tings dat are happening to dem." Get over, jackass. Why don't you fake being a grown up like the rest of us and shut the eff up.
#3. Parents, stop coddling your kids. Why? See number 2 above.
#4. Umm, please do not randomly lean over to me at a bar and tell me you wish you had never had your children. You. Ungrateful. Bitch.
#5. If you are above 50 and you still haven't figured out why the hell you were put on the planet, just pretend. You are really making the rest of us lose hope, quickly.
#6. Look at yourself in the mirror for the love of all things good. And let's be realistic, no matter whether your husband says he still sees you as though you were 20, the rest of the world does not and he is lying anyway.
#7. Be able to take the truth. There is a person in my life that just cannot swallow the truth pill. People tell them they are wrong sometimes and this person will not hear of it. I would like you to know that I have mentally shoved my entire arm down your throat at least 7 times today. (In my daydream, I am holding the truth pill in my hand--for those of you needing a more clear picture.)
#8. Juuuust in case you forgot, there are other things of varying degrees of importance going on in the world. I do not care that the salesperson didn't say hello to you when you walked in the door. I do not care that you just baked your husband cupcakes for your one month anniversary, and I don't care that Burger King left the onions off your burger. That was probably a blessing in disguise anyway.
#9. This one is serious. If you look like you just rolled around in a bag of nacho cheese doritos, your skin color is probably not the most suiting. I mean, how can you not see that you look nothing like the rest of the humans walking around?
#10. This isn't helping so I quit.
Thanks for playing! Tootles.
