Anyway...I've gotten off on a tangent. Point is, sometimes on rare occasions I have to leave my house. (And if you'd like to know why I don't like to do that, then read here.) There are lots of super cute stores here on the island that I like to frequent when the Husband isn't stalking the credit card statement. (If you didn't know already...I have a baby now.)
Well, I went out to shop around the other day for some Mother's Day gifts and I put my sweet little teeny tiny bundle of pure blissful joy in her stroller so that she could come with. From what I understand, it wouldn't have been appropriate for me to leave her home alone yet. Does this story seem weird to any of you? Mothers---you put your child in strollers when you go shopping, don't you? Or am I doing it wrong? Because, umm, I could seriously be doing it wrong.
Well, I went out to shop around the other day for some Mother's Day gifts and I put my sweet little teeny tiny bundle of pure blissful joy in her stroller so that she could come with. From what I understand, it wouldn't have been appropriate for me to leave her home alone yet. Does this story seem weird to any of you? Mothers---you put your child in strollers when you go shopping, don't you? Or am I doing it wrong? Because, umm, I could seriously be doing it wrong.
I get to my favorite store and walk inside. Its like sensory overload. I just can never choose what I want to look at first. Do I want to look at the jewelry? The scarves? The....the....well, you get the point. I guess I should add that real estate on this island is like 1 billionnnn dollars per square foot, so the shops are quite small. But! Not too small to fit myself and my trusty stroller. So I am in the store, muscling around the stroller, paying careful attention to its wheels and making sure I don't run something over or knock something off the shelves--nevermind the skinny-as-a-rail girls in there wearing those hideous shorts that are back in style from the 80's. You know, the ones where your ass looks really long and flat and your butt cheeks say hello to everyone walking behind you? Hold on, I'll find you a picture......
.....I'm back after googling "high waisted 80's shorts butt cheek".....
Ok, no. Those are not them, but I just thought you'd enjoy a momentary boost in your self-esteem.
These are the shorts that I'm talking about here:
Umm, no. Just no. No, no, no. Oh, ha! "Those look way better on me than that!" That's what you're thinking if you happen to be one of the sad souls stuffing your cheeks into these monstrosities. Well, I am here to inform you that you do not look better and whoever told you that you did LIED to you sister! And furthermore, no female wants to see you wear these and only about 3% of the weiner-clad population are not offended that you are wearing those--and guess what? They, unfortunately lost their eye sight or either also like to stare at photos of donkeys in their free time.
Alrighty...so here I am in my favorite store---I peruse the racks, getting to a place of shear bliss...looking at all the maxi dresses and the colorful shirts. For a moment, I feel like I am 22 again and I am shopping for an outfit to go out on the town later! I can even taste the martini (or 5) I will have later. I see another girl, looking at me. I smile politely at her and continue with my shopping high. She clears her throat, so I am forced to look at her again. She looks at this stroller thats sitting really near me and then back at me again. I give her a puzzled look, and turn back to the party dresses. "Excuse me," she says, smacking her gum. (For a second I thought it was her ass cheeks clapping in the wind, but it turns out it wasn't them.) Her eyes roll a bit and she exhales really loudly. WTF. Now I'm getting annoyed. I look back at her and she says, "Can you move your stroller? I need to get by." What the hell is she talking about? Stroller??
.....I'm back after googling "high waisted 80's shorts butt cheek".....
BAM! There you go.
Ok, no. Those are not them, but I just thought you'd enjoy a momentary boost in your self-esteem.
These are the shorts that I'm talking about here:
Umm, no. Just no. No, no, no. Oh, ha! "Those look way better on me than that!" That's what you're thinking if you happen to be one of the sad souls stuffing your cheeks into these monstrosities. Well, I am here to inform you that you do not look better and whoever told you that you did LIED to you sister! And furthermore, no female wants to see you wear these and only about 3% of the weiner-clad population are not offended that you are wearing those--and guess what? They, unfortunately lost their eye sight or either also like to stare at photos of donkeys in their free time.
Alrighty...so here I am in my favorite store---I peruse the racks, getting to a place of shear bliss...looking at all the maxi dresses and the colorful shirts. For a moment, I feel like I am 22 again and I am shopping for an outfit to go out on the town later! I can even taste the martini (or 5) I will have later. I see another girl, looking at me. I smile politely at her and continue with my shopping high. She clears her throat, so I am forced to look at her again. She looks at this stroller thats sitting really near me and then back at me again. I give her a puzzled look, and turn back to the party dresses. "Excuse me," she says, smacking her gum. (For a second I thought it was her ass cheeks clapping in the wind, but it turns out it wasn't them.) Her eyes roll a bit and she exhales really loudly. WTF. Now I'm getting annoyed. I look back at her and she says, "Can you move your stroller? I need to get by." What the hell is she talking about? Stroller??
Suddenly, I am sucked back into reality and I remember that no, no I'm not going out tonight and no, I'm not going to have a martini or 5. This is actually my stroller and the baby riding in it is mine too.
Ok...so of course I didn't really forget about the baby. It was just a little mental vacation while I browsed some stupid dresses that not only should I not buy because there is yet another package or 7 coming to me already, but I have no place to wear this brilliant little dress. Turns out, babies don't care what you're wearing and they will spit up and poop on any and everything.
I say all that to say this...what is up with people's irritation with strollers?? This has happened several times where I get a look like I shouldn't be somewhere or like I am in the other women's way while they are trying to shop. Like their shopping is ranked higher on the cool meter because they don't have a baby. *middle finger up bitches* I mean, I have to bring my baby with me. I can't just leave her at home. And inconveniently enough, we human mothers don't have a nifty little kangaroo pouch to stuff our babies in while we hop about our day. I cant balance her on my head...and I can't even realistically carry her in my arms while I try to shop one-handed. And to be honest, I don't give one RCH whether you don't want my stroller blocking the aisle. Seriously, I don't! Chances are that just before I got here, the baby just blew her diaper out and needed an entire outfit change and now there is a puddle of poop waiting for me to get back to the car to clean out of the car seat--and I have about 40 minutes to run 17.8 errands before she is screaming to eat again which would force me to pull my boob out and feed her in the store and we ALL know what a controversy that would cause--so unless you want me to aim her butt in your direction the next time I see her sweet little face turn red and she starts to grunt, then why don't you get your tiny, little, weirdly-long ass cheeks out of my way because I am one millisecond away from losing my mommy mind on you. And p.s. by the way...those shorts are like the stone once its thrown--you can never un-wear those. *look you up and down, eye-roll, hair flip*
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