How to Avoid Someone Touching your Pregnant Belly

Before I got pregnant, I always heard people talking about how perfect strangers would walk up to them and touch their bulging stomach. It always perplexed me and I often wondered how in the world anyone would think it possibly would be okay to put their crusty, crawly, creeper, germ-infested, scaly, smelly hands on another person period, but especially in such a personal way. Once I became pregnant, all those little voices whispered in the back of my head and I found myself determined that no juicy nub would be touching my belly.  Not only did I want to avoid germs and the ever-lasting grossness of being touched by a stranger, I also did not want some freak putting a spell on me or my baby through their touch! So here are some tips for you if you'd like to avoid those pesky, unwanted belly touches.

1) The most effective way to avoid getting someone else's dead skin cells on your precious tummy is the look on your face. You must always, always look mad and avoid eye contact at this point. No matter that you're just glowing pure sunshine out of every pore on your body because you are growing a human, you have to stay focused. Practice it in the mirror if you have to. This was never hard to accomplish for me. I am really super great at the angry face. It was always the polite, sweet face that gave me trouble. I know, you're shocked. 

2) Usually an angry face really will do the trick, but if you spot someone that is sweetly looking in your direction and staring at your belly (or just staring at your belly and drooling a little), this is a sign that the angry face is not working. These people are usually not very smart and need extra help. My first go-to with these people is to grab my cell phone and stare at it like something very important is happening. You have to enlist another facial expression here: the furrowed brow. While you are looking down at your phone, brows furrowed, you must still maintain your angry face. I recommend practicing in the mirror a few times. You can also try it on your unsuspecting husband when he walks in from work. If you looks at you and turns around and goes right back out the door, then I would call your experiment a success. 

3) As unbelievable as it sounds, there are actually people that are immune to these tactics. This means they are probably closing in on you and your belly quite fast at this point. You must do something soon or else your baby might get dirty when they touch your stomach! While I usually suggest avoiding any type of eye contact or even acknowledgment that the belly toucher exists, you may need to use eye contact as a tool if they haven't picked up on your other clues so far. Here, you have to implement a variety of mechanisms at once to ensure the person's belly scratchers don't reach your precious cargo. Your angry face needs to continue to be implemented, as well as the furrowed brow, but now I suggest you look them straight in the eyes. You will feel bad about what you're doing because you will see shear delight in their face as they gaze at your blossoming belly, but a clear head and focus will get you through your guilt. Just remember that this person is about to invade your belly with their hand--a hand, mind you, that you have no idea what they've just done with. Let that thought propel you through even if the said hand belongs to a little old lady, which Im sorry to tell you, often times is the case. Now, you've got your brow furrowed and your angry face in place--look at the threat dead in their face, imagining you are shooting lasers out of your eyes at them and sigh. Sigh very, very dramatically. This will usually deter even stubborn belly rubbers away from you.

4) If none of the previous tools have worked for you, then honestly, you're probably doing it wrong. I never, in all of my ten months of pregnancy (that's 17 billion years in pregnant woman's time by the way)--I never had these tactics fail me. Here are a few last ditch efforts you can try if they are within feet of you and your tum-tum and still closing in: put your hand over your mouth with one hand and hold your nose with the other while looking at them--they will hopefully develop some insecurity about how they smell and become too embarrassed to get any closer to you. If you'd like to take it a step further, you can always gag. Nobody wants to be in the path of projectile vomit. Another option is to grab your belly as if to imply that you are having a contraction, but I caution against this as it may give you the opposite of your desired outcome and people could flock to you from all over to assist. It may be worth a try though, if your incoming belly grabber is at all squeamish, he/she may turn on their heels and bolt. 

Like I said, if none of these work for you then you are seriously doing it wrong. Practice more and more in the mirror and practice on your unsuspecting husband. Its important that he not know that you are practicing this on him because he will probably laugh at your swollen face pretending to be mad. This will remove some of your confidence when you are faced with a real, live stomach grazer and you don't need that to happen.  

If you're stomach has been touched, go home and take a shower. Pay extra attention to your stomach area and lather with soap 3 times. Your baby will probably be fine, although I can't say the same for your pregnant mind. 

And in case you didn't know: it's illegal here!