Hold on to your britches, y'all. I still can't believe this happened. Its events like this why I choose to stay home and wander aimlessly around our overpriced island-dwelling, making lap after lap--day in and day out, rather than to go out and mingle with the crazies.
Husband and I made the trek across the good ole USofA about a month ago to introduce our sweet little offspring to her extended family--you know, the great-grands and such. Doesn't that sound sweet? Let me paint the picture for you. We flew into NC and visited some family there, showing our precious little pumpkin pie off. She, of course won hearts galore. Then we drove down to GA to visit my family once again proudly boasting this oddly-sweet-for-who-her-parents-are baby girl. Don't worry, I got quite a few puzzling looks from my own family as she laid cooing and ahhing and making sweet noises and smiling instead of flipping them off and screaming at them. If you know me, then this may make a little more sense than if you don't. Let's just say I probably should have had horns as a child--and as a teenager, errr--and as an adult? Anyway, the point is that this child is sweet. And I don't know where she came from.
The event happened as we drove from NC to GA. We were driving southbound through the good ole Atlanta in the HOV lane. There was a lane merging into the HOV lane from the left which can be kind of awkward anyway, but husband let a car merge in front of us, then continued moving forward. It was pretty heavy traffic so we were only moving about 15-25 mph. Baby was cozy in her carseat in the backseat, sleeping away being the angel that she is. I sat excitedly in the passenger seat, anxious to get to my mother's house and show her this little human that I grew all by myself when suddenly a SUV pulled up beside us on the shoulder of the road trying to pass us on the right. No, there was no lane there. At this point, Im assuming they are mad because we didn't let them merge in front of us and instead they had to merge behind us. I mean, what kind of assholes are we that we only let one car merge into the lane in front of us? Long story short, the people wanted to get in front of us but were being extremely aggressive--you know, off roading it and trying to pass us on the left when there was no lane there. Basically, husband had the option of being pushed by their car over into the lane to the right of us or maintaining his position in his lane. Even if there was an opening in the lane to the right of us, lets just say my husband isn't the type to let anyone push him out of his lane, and that just may be a slight understatement. (Its rush hour--cars are back to back so there wasn't an opening regardless.) So I look over at the SUV thats now battling for the lane with us and just as I did, their passenger side mirror hit our drive side mirror. Very minor. They fall back a little and then the next thing I know, they come roaring back up beside us and the older lady in the passenger seat is screaming things that should only come out of the mouth of the devil. Demonic sounds radiate into our car and I am in shock not only that this is happening, but that such a gross sound can come out of a woman's mouth. Her husband, meanwhile, (in his vigilante camouflage outfit) is steadfastly attempting to get in front of our car.
I opt to call the police at this point. I mean, we realize our mirrors just hit, but for the amount of bat shit crazy that is flying out of their mouths, we aren't about to pull over. We try to tell them that we are calling the police and we are not pulling over until we can meet a police officer in a safe place. From this point on, I am on the phone with a 911 dispatcher, telling her play by play of what these people are doing. All this happened in a matter of 2-3 minutes.
So we've got a demonic woman and a wormy little man wearing camo for no apparent reason in the car trying to force us to pull us over and then traffic stops. The car that merged in front of us was stopped. "Oh," we think, "traffic must have stopped." But when we look around traffic is actually still moving and the only people that were stopped was the car in front of us and the SUV with the demons in it. Just as we register that this is strange, the car in front of us reverses towards us, attempting to block us in the lane and prevent us from moving any further. The demons are now behind us and have pulled up so far on our bumper that it is obvious the two cars are trying to box us in.
Let's break in the story--I wish I could have sent these people some sort of telepathic message that this is not a good idea. I wanted to tell them that this would inevitably not end well for them. Husband doesn't like to be messed with. And in the years of knowing him, it just never ends well for the people that do. Most of the time he is a nice guy that would give someone in need the shirt off his back, but at a certain point, the nice normal human shuts down and out comes the guy who drops bombs and shoots giants bullets out of a giant gun at real people for a living. I wanted to tell them that they were about to get bombed, but then I thought "oh what the hell, survival of the fittest."
Next in the story, out jumps a "Joe Dirt" type of guy out of the car in front of us, putting his hand up as if to motion for us to stop the car--meanwhile behind him, his thin ponytail flaps in the wind.
The demons are now out of their car and making their way up to our windows.
To say that I was in shock, would be an understatement. This man is out of his car on an extremely busy road in Atlanta, standing in front of our car, which, oh by the way, my husband has managed to get out of their attempt to box us in and is now moving again. When Joe Dirt realized we weren't stopping despite his mighty warrior hand motioning, he stepped in front of our car. In front of our car that was moving mind you. Again, survival of the fittest.
Meanwhile, in our car, I am telling husband to stop the car. He doesn't. I say it louder and nudge his arm. Nothing. Its like husband cant hear me anymore. I realize whats about to happen and wonder if our daughter will have to visit her father in jail. Had I known then what I know now, I wouldn't have been worried. So, Joe Dirt Warrior still believes he can stop my husband and this however billion trillion hundred pound vehicle from moving with his own body. Obviously he knows something we don't about his t-shirt with the sleeves cut off being some type of secret armor for him. He digs his rubber flip flops into the pavement and puts his magic sleeveless arm up once more and demands that we "STOP THE CAR."
Bam. The car bumped into him. Whoops. I guess his armor wasn't working properly. I am beyond panicked in reality. I tell husband to stop again, but his mind is on one thing and thats getting his family out of this unsafe situation. Now let's clarify, the car didn't like smash him into the pavement and flatten him--the bumper just gave him a little nudge. He backed up and the car continued to move. Husband never really accelerated while he was in front of the car--thankfully and shockingly.
Joe Dirt Warrior then turned into Joe Dirt Warrior Ninja and frog-hopped onto our hood.
Once again let's break and reflect. In rush hour traffic, there is a man in a sleeveless t-shirt wearing a trucker hat with a ponytail flapping in the wind, now riding our hood like a our SUV is a bull--his rubber flip flops doing their best to maintain his position. Who knows where the demons are at this point? And oh...in case you haven't figured it out-- the demons are the Joe Dirt Warrior Ninja's parents who called him and told him to stop our car.
Husband did not stop just because he was riding our hood, holding onto the windshield wiper with one hand. Nope. He pressed on. He pressed on until Joe Dirt Warrior Ninja turned into Joe Dirt Warrior Ninja with a gun pointed at us. That's right folks, now he's pointing a gun at us. But did that stop my husband? Nope. Not until he had calculated his speed and decided that he wasn't going fast enough to slam the brakes and throw the man (loosely used term) from the hood. So, husband stopped probably only because his 3 month old daughter now had a gun pointed in her direction and unfortunately, or fortunately, he did not have his own gun in the car being we live in CA and you can't conceal carry here.
Joe Dirt Warrior Ninja releases the windshield wiper and stumbles down off of the hood, after which his wife promptly delivers his CANE to him. He sits patiently waiting on the police while he chain-smokes 4 cigarettes at a time--apparently Joe Dirt's lungs are warriors too.
Three hours later, we are all still on the side of the road with the Georgia State Patrol. Joe Dirt and demon family argue with the officers that they believed they were doing the right thing by forcing us to stop despite officers telling them they were very, way, totally wrong. When asked why they didn't just take our tag number and call the police, their jowls jiggled and drool sloshed from their mouths, followed by a blank stare.
After learning that the District Attorney in Atlanta was too busy to take the case (yes, were were shocked), one of the officers informed Joe Dirt that if he had climbed on his hood with his newborn and wife in the car, that he would have shot the shit out of him with his gun that he always carries and would have been right by the law to do so. Joe Dirt would be dead and the person that shot him would be totally in the right. Once again, jowls jiggled.
By the way, mothers that are reading this...have you ever had to breastfeed your baby while they are strapped into a car seat? Yea..it was fun contorting my body in unnatural ways...but when you're on the side of the road for 3 hours and the officer told me to keep her in her carseat...baby's got to eat!
So, we watched Joe Dirt get a verbal lashing and then was let go. We learned after the fact that the State Patrol officer that treated us extremely well through the whole thing had gone to the DA in Fulton County and had presented the case again, causing them to press charges on the man after the fact. The Joe Dirt Demon Family were residents of TN, and at this time we still do not know what, if anything happened to them for what they did.
Joe Dirt had a clean record with a permit to conceal carry--and let me be clear--I am all about gun rights. I think we should have the ability to defend ourselves and law-abiding Americans should be able to have guns. But this is clearly an example of a person who does not know when to pull a gun. I mean, you pulled a gun on a 3 month old baby you stupid bottom-feeding idiot. Our system is flawed no doubt. His permit should be revoked promptly before he is forced to shot a toddler that bumps into him at a park or something. At the end of the day, it worked out for us, but things could have gone very differently. And how can a District Attorney NOT take this case right off the bat? And how does an inbred idiot get a concealed carry permit?
Now, put your eyeballs back inside your head and join me in wishing a whole lot of ill-will on Joe Dirt and the Demon Family.
Good Day, peeps. And may all guns stay holstered for you today.
